Being a beginner and the art of Vulnerability.
For many of us, being a beginner at anything can feel daunting and can dredge up a hellscape of unpleasant emotions. It can feel unbelievably exposing to step outside of our comfort zone and take the plunge into a world of stuff we know nothing or very little about. Being a newbie at something can feel like getting up onto a stage in front of everyone we have and will ever know, nude as the day we arrived, to recite a Shakespeare soliloquy that we never learnt. Totally and utterly terrifying. Being a beginner makes many of us feel vulnerable and let's face it, in a world where strength and an attitude of ‘Suck it up Kid’ are King, vulnerability is often kicked out the back door along with any other emotional traits that may make us look, God forbid, weak!
Here is the secret though: vulnerability is actually a superpower.
“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage.” - Brené Brown
Vulnerability is the gateway through which we access human connection. One cannot be seen if one chooses to hide behind ones’ walls, can one? But how does this connect to being a beginner? How do vulnerability and starting that new rollerblading hobby that has been haunting your daydreams for years now, intersect? Very often, the answer is fear. It is commonly the fear of ‘getting it wrong’, of falling on our bottoms in a car park full of younger cooler people who have the whole glide and turn thing down-pat, that halts us in our skates.
The truth is, that blood curdling, gut knotting feelings is a fear of being vulnerable, of being visible and not only seen but seen in our ‘worse’ state - failure. Unfortunately, failure is something we need to get very cosy with if we want to grow and being a beginner is all about growth, baby. Failure is simply learning in wolf’s clothing...That is how the saying goes, right? Failure may feel like the biggest scariest bully in the playground, but really, never trying is the true tragedy. Fear is a primal instinct, a powerful motivator and it’s there to keep us safe, to encourage us to play small and inside the arena of what is known. Fear says, “Don’t try the new thing because if you do, hell there might be a sabre-tooth tiger around the corner ready to eat us.” Roller pads et al.
So if we need vulnerability to grow and we need to face up to failure to master the beginner’s mindset - how can we get acquainted with the discomfort and get good at embracing our newb status?
Practice.
Yup. Simple as that. We have to practice doing the things that make us feel uncomfortable (safely please) and a personal favourite way to do this is with the concept of Micro-Wins, or Micro-Goals or as Tim Minchin says, “Be micro-ambitious.” Micro-Wins are those tiny challenges you overcome during the day. They are the getting up before your alarm goes to snooze, the saying sorry to a loved one or colleague when you could probably get away with saying nothing. They are the tiny challenges that remind us of our ability to do hard things. Micro-Wins refocus our mind on the things we can do because they are tiny chunks of “HELL YEAH I HAVE GOT THIS!” peppered throughout our day. They reaffirm to us that we are capable, brave, able and god damn adults who can do whatever we set our mind to. Too preachy? Pah who cares! Being Micro-Ambitious gives you a bit fat sense of achievement and that sense of achievement far outweighs the ‘OH-MY-GOD-I-FELL-AND-NOW-THAT-12-YEAR-OLD-IS-LAUGHING-AT-ME!-GROUND-SWALLOW-ME-UP’ feeling we all love to avoid as a grown-up.
So here are some personal favourite ways to integrate Micro-Wins into the day to keep on top of the metaphorical ‘monkey on my back’ (as dad calls it) that is the source of all doubt and really the only one bothered about looking foolish in the new skates.
Make your bed FIRST
Make your bed right away upon waking, if possible. If your sleeping partner is still in the bed...perhaps find another small and impactful activity you can do that is a visual reminder that you’ve achieved something right away. Whatever it is, make it doable, impactful (ie you can see the result of a made bed or a curtain opened) and seriously low on the decision scale. Make the decision the night before and stick to it come the sunrise.
Do something that scares you a teeny bit, every day
By doing something just a tiddly bit out of your comfort zone on the daily, you’re building that grit, that resilience that we spoke about earlier. If you can make it part of your routine and maybe even tag it on to tip one, all the better because the decision gets taken out of the equation (cold shower anyone?).
Be honest with people
Snore. I know, I hate this one too - but it has honestly been a life-changing practice for me. As a perennial bottler of my emotions and people pleaser, being honest has not always been my first instinct. Actually, it still isn’t sometimes. Practising MICRO-HONESTY, like those times when it’s easier to tell a white-lie so as not to hurt someone's feelings etc. is a great practice to get into. It can feel scary as hell to be honest about your needs, especially when it means potentially letting someone down, but truly, it feels a lot better to be clear about what you need and want. Plus it helps you to be clearer with your boundaries. It’s less icky. Win-win. NB if you’re worried about how people will react, take it slow and know that people generally are way more accepting of our truths than we might expect. Start. Slow.
Practice the philosophy of ‘Good enough’
Send the email with a typo. Submit the proposal. Start the goddamn project you have been putting off! The time will never be ‘right’ and if you are seeking perfection find ways to challenge that. Perfectionism for the vast majority of us is not some cool, artsy trait that will make us the next Alexander Mcqueen, it is a crappy procrastination tool that keeps us far away from the arena of where we desire to be, because it says, “This is never good enough and neither are you”. It is self-destructive and totally not useful for the most part. Fast and Messy wins the race! So find some little way you can be non-perfect and practice it on the regs, no matter how much it makes you squirm. I promise you, it will become more fluid the more you make space for yourself to sag a bit around the edges.
Play
At Uni we learnt about the magic of Le Jeu, a principle for making Theatre coined by Director and Practitioner Phillip Gaulier. Gaulier is famous for his clown work and his approach to making theatre rooted in play and complicite - being joyfully available to your stage partners. Le Jeu literally means the Play or the Game. The joy of this approach is that it switches your perspective to one of possibility, rather than being fixed. Le Jeu encourages us to explore all the options and remain curious and childlike in our approach. It is a philosophy of “Yes, and…”. By finding ways to play, whether that’s playing a team sport, going for a weekly boogie or getting silly with our loved ones, we flex our curiosity muscles and we get better at thinking outside the box. We get better at making a fool of ourselves and being vulnerable and available. Therefore we free ourselves up to possibility and freshness and become open to being beginners.
