Hey Yoga teacher! You won’t be everyone’s cuppa…

And it’s okay if that hurts your feelings!

Yeah, there really is no getting around it; if you are offering things to the world, some people will dislike the stuff you have to offer. Not everyone will want to drink your cup of tea even if it's perfectly tempered, organic, fair trade, ceremonial-grade super green Matcha! It really is just the way things are, but worry not, if you read this whole thing you’ll get a really lovely motivating piece at the end, so grab yourself a cosy bev and sit tight for that.

Where were we? Ah yes, not being liked! I know teachers who I think of as astounding, skilful, well-read and honestly (in my mind) have obtained rock-star status. I also know kick-ass practitioners who I respect and love who do not like said teachers. Does that make those humans wrong? Does it make the teachers bad?

Of course not.

It’s simply a case of their specific grade of tea not being the one for everybody. Some people just prefer coffee! Some people don’t even like hot drinks…weirdos.

We all know this rhetoric, don’t we? Us Yoga teachers know that when people have the dreaded Resting Yoga Face they are not in some deep seething state of hatred for us (9/10 anyway), they are simply focused on their practice, not on what their faces are doing. We know that as teachers although we may feel a class has gone awry for the most part, the ones on the other side of the mat (ie our clients) are experiencing it in a different light. Our own experience as the one holding the space will be different from those having space held. Don’t believe me? It’s been too long since you’ve been to someone else’s class my friend…

With this being said, it does not mean we will be met with praise and appreciation after every practice. Sometimes people love class but have to rush off, or are too shy to say anything or think that we as teachers don’t need to hear the praise (FYI I always like praise). Lesson? People will not always give us the confirmation that they’ve enjoyed our tea even when they have, so building confidence in our offering is a must must must if we want to feel good about teaching, as others won’t always give us the validation we are seeking. 

Here comes the uncomfortable truth we all know; we cannot possibly be liked by every single client we meet over the course of our careers, as much as we would love that to be the case. The law of averages says so and if we are serving authentically (good god I hope we are) our specific ‘us-ness’ will be the jam on someone’s crumpet but also the shit on someone else’s shoe, and to some, we’ll be pasta with mild cheddar and no sauce or seasoning; bland, forgettable; an empty carbohydrate at best.

Personally, I’ll take authentic, appreciated Yoga teacher to the few, over a mediocre people-pleasing one to the many any day of the week. If I can be appreciated and authentic to the many, sure why the hell not, but I won’t compromise my authentic message just to be liked by the masses anymore. And I’m not afraid to say that I want to be appreciated either! I want to be good at what I do, I want to be there for my people to the absolute best of my ability in my own uniquely ‘Me’ way and I want people to value that. In life, we find our communities when we are ourselves. As teachers, we find our tribe when we serve authentically and moreover, here is the mind F**k, our work becomes far more fulfilling as a result of serving up our special idiosyncratic, blend of us flavoured tea when we’re doing so to people who are really into it.

I want to find communities of people who love what I have to offer because my motivation is service-based and if we are service-motivated then you can bet your bottom dollar we also want a little validation our service is, well, serving! Validation from an external source MIGHT sound like the big bad wolf,  but to hell with it, whilst I’m human I will happily accept that seeking and accepting a little external validation is normal-person behaviour. Desiring validation from those close to us is natural and I would be suspicious of anyone who honestly says they give zero sh*ts about what anyone thinks of them. We all care a little bit - maybe not about everyone’s opinion of us, but we all likely care what our loved ones think, right? Caring about how we are perceived by our closest people is innately human and essential to building community, connection and closeness. Other people’s opinions and thoughts help us to grow in a variety of ways, whether that’s feedback about our teaching, an opinion about the Gazpacho we served to dinner guests or a loved one telling us when we are acting like a royal A Hole. Feedback can help us be better friends, better hosts and better teachers, feedback offers an opportunity for growth. With that being said, it is also healthy to have boundaries and to serve from the heart in a way that is congruent with our beliefs and that delivers our unique message, which sure, we might not know yet, but I will be damned if we don’t each have one. For example, your boundary may sound like “I’m so sorry you did not like the Gazpacho mate, I appreciate your opinion and feedback however by nature, Gazpacho is actually a cold cold, sorry.” Capiche?

Seeking validation, as we know is a slippery slope these days because of the internet. When we begin to seek validation on such a large scale, we are often looking for a substitute for real-life connection. For relationships built on vulnerability and acceptance. I won’t take up lots of time here, but I just want to reiterate VALIDATION FROM OTHERS IS NOT THE BAD GUY. There is greyscale here. Seeking validation only from others (close or far) with no sense of it from the self = go to therapy. Seeking a little validation (from close ones and far) but feeling worthy and self-validated nonetheless = common behaviour given the context of 2023, probably still could do with therapy. Enjoying being told that you’re doing a good job and that you matter by people IRL or online and having a good sense of self-validation so knowing you just do the stuff you do because you want to do it  = a normal human vibe, but still, go to therapy. We are all a bit messed up in one way or another.

Knowing all this might help a little, but it probably will still suck nuts (at least a little) when you can see that someone is being forced to ingest your tea through a feeding tube and hating every iota of a second of it.

Three years into teaching I internally flinch when someone leaves before Savasana. I still look at my clients’ faces and occasionally wonder “Do you hate me? Is this flow dull? Am I dreadful? Did you notice me mispronounce Koundinyasana and now think I’m a culturally appropriating moron?”. And I still, when someone is evidently not into my special house blend, take it just a tea-ny bit personally. And you know what? It’s okay to feel those insecurities because we are (DUN DUN DUN) human beings! Our insecurities do not mean we have imposter syndrome or need to go to therapy to get over our need for external validation (but still, you should go) it just means we are human beings who care about our work and want to feel a sense of belonging, community and service. What’s so bad about that? Our cute little Egos just want to know that we are making a bit of a positive difference and as we know, Ego isn’t bad, Ego is just a little trickster toddler we need to keep our eyes on to make sure she doesn’t eat the soil from the pot plant or draw “I love poo!” up the staircase.

You might be reading this thinking to yourself, “Yeah mum, I freekin know. Shudup already” yadda yadda, but it is so likely that there will be days where you are blindsided a bit by your insecurities and the knowledge that it’s normal might just be what helps you feel okay with not feeling okay.

Here are my thoughts on this, more of an open letter to myself and all of us Yoga teachers, holders of space and coaches out there.

Let yourself feel it. Observe whether there was something you might have done better. Give yourself a cuddle (and/or get a cuddle from someone else) and know that it is fine to be bummed out for a bit if you aren’t someone’s vibe. Focus your energy on the people who adore you. On the people who come back week after week, who talk to you after class and ask to see photos of your new baby /niece /puppy /dungarees. Think about the people who make eye contact with you whilst you hold space and smile back at you. The people who lovingly mouth “other side” at you when you go to repeat a flow on the same side. Think about all the people you’ve served and all the people you’ve yet to and let your authenticity draw your people to you. By being yourself and delivering your unique gifts you will ONLY attract the people who really see the value of your unique blend of green tea leaves and chamomile. Sure, you may send the others packing, but that’s fine, there will be teachers out there who have what those individuals need - let them go find them with the grace and ease of an exhalation. If you are feeling gutted about someone not liking your stuff, set yourself a deadline to feel through it, feel it out for a few hours or days or a weekend and tell yourself, “I’m going to let these feelings exist, to be as big as they need to be. I’m going to listen to them without believing that they are gospel and then, I’m going to thank them and honour them for their presence and their hard work and I’m going to let them go.” Then do your best to do so. Know this - all the teachers that you love and admire have felt this feeling too and moved through it; so can you.

Keep showing up. Keep sharing your message. The world needs you and so does your community, even if it’s small at the moment. Trust; communities grow; insecurities fade; this too shall pass <3 <3 <3