Loneliness, are we all feeling it?
“Loneliness is a fertilizer for all illness - physical & mental” - Catherine Price.
I’ve had some beautiful conversations about loneliness this week, they’ve been a catalyst for me to talk more about it, share more, ask more and actually do a little loneliness audit on myself. I do not often prescribe to ‘xyz awareness weeks’, but when it comes to mental health, I’m happy to get on my soapbox and share my two pence.
Loneliness is becoming more and more pervasive across the general population, with new research suggesting that,
“Levels of loneliness in Great Britain have increased since spring 2020. Between 3 April and 3 May 2020, 5.0% of people (about 2.6 million adults) said that they felt lonely “often” or “always”. - ons.gov
A state that so many of us assume is preserved for those further down the path of their lives, I can’t help but wonder if it’s time we all sat down and had a good natter about the Elephant in the room - the fact that we almost all have experienced loneliness.
The experience of loneliness is not the same as being intentionally alone. When we choose to spend time without others there can be lots to be gained - it’s good for us to be comfortable in our own company. Loneliness, however, is characterised by a feeling of perceived isolation and can have many correlating negative implications like social anxiety, shyness, distrust and low self-esteem.
Chronic loneliness is something that we can and I believe should avoid. I’m not the only one that thinks this way - loneliness isn’t only harmful to our mental health but damages our physical well-being too. Some research even reports loneliness is as harmful to our bodies as smoking 15 cigarettes a day! Something that all Blue Zones (areas where people live the longest) have in common is that their elderly have thriving social lives and are not de-valued or shunned from central society. Some even argue that women in the west typically live longer because we prioritise our social calendars more than men tend to. Interesting, right?
So why are we in what is being referred to as the Loneliness Pandemic and how can we wiggle free? I’m no expert but I’d love to share some of my thoughts and some of the things I try to do when I feel disconnected or alone.
WHY?
How many of us begin to experience an unpleasant emotion and without even thinking, go to our distraction of choice? Maybe it’s a glass of wine at the end of the day or perhaps a scroll through your social feeds. All totally normal and when engaged with in a balanced way, probably not hugely harmful, but what happens when these become our primary coping mechanisms? What happens when the coping mechanism also offers us an illusion of the real deal, with far less effort involved on our part?
I am, of course, talking about the blatant behavioural addiction that has become a social norm - our reliance on our phones as a means of social connection.
There is no denying that there are positives to be gained from the tech that we all use daily, but what concerns me is the pseudo-connection they offer us. They give the illusion of being connected to others but without much of the physical and physiological benefit.
When we spend time irl with those we feel safe around, our nervous systems regulate to theirs, this is called Co-regulation. When we are receiving information from our surroundings that we are safe, we come into a state of parasympathetic tone; we become open to connection and our bodies can perform basic functions such as digestion, healing, cellular replenishment etc.Steven Porges's Polyvagal Theory speaks to the importance of this and I’ve written about it here if you’d like to understand more. Parasympathetic is a state that it’s pretty good to be in, obviously not all the time as we also need to be mobilized and ready to act at certain points, but from the perspective of our bodies, being in ‘rest and digest’ as it’s often called, is a good place to be when we aren’t in danger or immediate threat.
Now, imagine if you will what your technology represents. For me, it’s a constant source of entertainment, a means to work, to speak to loved ones, to speak to people I don't know personally, to shop, to engage with content and the list goes on. Our phones in particular are a concentrated centre for the above. They represent a million different ways we can be engaged and contactable. They ‘alert’ us to new messages or videos from our favourite Youtubers. They are literally a device that keeps us online, both literally and figuratively.
The cost of this? We are in a sympathetic tone all the time! If parasympathetic is rest and digest, sympathetic is the opposite, ‘Fight or Flight’. Fight or flight response is what kept our ancestors safe from bears that rustled in the bushes at night or motivated them to run down prey. It is a mobilized state where we are ready to act, we get flooded with adrenaline and cortisol and our muscles become ready to act, and things like digestion and connection become secondary.
What I’m suggesting, is that by being pseudo-connected via tech, we’re gaining very little, or none of the benefits of coregulation and connection and are actually inhibiting our ability to connect via staying on alert. If we are experiencing the world as dangerous, how can we truly relax into a connected state? Perhaps this has a part to play in the physical issues fertilized by loneliness?
When we constantly numb our discomfort something else happens; we disconnect from the feeling itself. Feelings of discomfort aren’t pleasant for many of us, but they are useful to some extent because they signal to us that something is wrong. They act as motivating factors which get us up and problem solving. We feel too cold, we put on the heating or some layers. We feel lonely or disconnected, we might be motivated to call a friend, arrange a dinner date or maybe prioritise more social activities in our diary.
When we constantly numb the feeling of loneliness out with junk-connection, we actually disasociate from the feeling altogether! I think this results in us not recognising the loneliness when it bubbles up and actually leads to us feeling a sort of non-descript listlessness that we have no real way of identifying. If we can’t identify a problem, how can we solve it? In this way, I believe loneliness flies under the radar and this may be part of why it’s become such a widespread issue.
Of course, we have to consider the context of the COVID19 Pandemic amongst rising numbers of loneliness. A time in history when we were literally banned, under the pain of legal punishment, from socialising is for sure going to be a large contributing factor to us feeling more alone than ever.
But now we’re (fingers crossed) out the other side, how can we push up against the loneliness monster and start feeling part of a community again?
1. Talk to people - even ones you don’t know.
I’m a huge believer in the power of micro-connections, those exchanges you share with the barista at your local coffee shop or the smile you give to a passing stranger. Honestly, I believe we massively underestimate how powerful they are! In our society, we spend too much time in our heads, eyes down, earplugs in! We are unknowingly alienating ourselves from the surrounding communities. We will happily speak to strangers online, so for your health’s sake - say hello to the person that sells you your petrol, ask them how they are, make eye contact and listen to the response.
2. Organise your week with a few social activities in it.
It sounds really simple, but the way I see it, our desire and need for social connection is like a cup. When we engage in activities that keep filling the cup up, can avoid dipping into chronic loneliness. So something as simple as going for a walk or coffee with a friend can help to keep the cup topped up.
3. Do some group activities.
Whether extreme frisbee, a team sport or hitting up the climbing wall is your thing, there are undeniable benefits to using your body for fun WITH other people. You may experience that gorgeous correlation of flow, connection and play that Catherine Price refers to as ‘True Fun’. Who doesn’t want more of that!
4. Be open to new friends.
Making friends as an adult can be incredibly scary! It’s not like the old days when you both showed up to school with the same lunchbox so decided to be BFFs, unfortunately. Asking someone out for a ‘mate date’ can feel a bit weird, but know that you’re likely not the only one feeling that way! We’re all hungry for connection, but making new friends can take time, so trust the process and remember that your brain isn’t always right.
5. If you need to, reach out for help.
There is absolutely no shame in needing help with carrying the load of your mental health. In fact, we are supposed to. We are inherently social beings who need each other to survive and live long and healthy lives. So when you’re having a rough time, reach out to a friend or professional help - speak to someone who is equipt to help you, you are not alone.
6. Have some tech-free time.
Commit to 24hrs of tech-free time if you can. I like to go from Friday 5pm to the same time on a Saturday. It gives me space to simply be, without the pressure of being online. I also have space to allow emotions to exist, which may result in some discomfort, but that’s okay, remember discomfort can be our motivator to switch things up!
