Shame and New Year’s Resolutions: How can we set them with compassion?

Before you read on I’d love it if you took a moment with yourself. Take a slow breath in and let that inhale sit in the full, roundness of you. Exhale slowly without drama. Imagine that with each breath you’re filling your cells with a deep sense of appreciation, compassion and acceptance. What might that feel like? How might that look? If there is any leftover, (and there might not be any) let it be exhaled. Let that exhale travel outward to all the people in your life. The ones you love, the ones you don’t. How might each breath be an exercise in compassion? How might each breath remind us of our shared humanity? Beyond anything else, this sacred breath connects each of us; reminds us that we all are alive here, together.

Recently I listened to a podcast episode with Blind Boy and his main focus was goal setting for 2023. I’d really recommend you get it in your ear holes because it unpicks (quite beautifully) why goal setting or resolution setting can be contentious for some of us.

His main point is that often when we’re setting goals, the foundation we’re coming from is one of lack and this can be especially true when it comes to the dreaded New Year’s Resolutions.

Picture this if you will; Nearly a full month of more late nights than usual; more socialising; working harder just to ‘get to the finish line’ of the year; greater financial expenditure; more travel; colder, darker days; more alcohol; a general attitude of indulgence; stress!

Sure December isn’t all bad (not for me anyway) but it is a lot of energetic expenditure at a time of year when mammals (ahem, us!) tend to be slowing the heck down along with nature.

Then we roll into January with the sheer determination of Leo in that scene where he takes the quaaludes and drags himself from the hotel bar to the car! We’re all, “ Hey everyone, I’ve arrived and I’m going to be the biggest, shiniest version of me possible and guess what? I’m going to do every single amazing thing I’ve ever wanted to do this year! You betcha baby. This year I will be the best me ever and I’m going to start it ALL this month. LETS F$*KN GEW!”

Imagine you’re hungover - do you intentionally throw yourself into a full day of productivity when you’re suffering from a hefty headache and relying on Berocca to get you through the day? Do you repent from the sins of the night before? Ah maybe, but I bet you do not expect the absolute best from yourself…and if you do it might be worth unpacking that.

You are more likely to give yourself a lie in and consume shit loads of water and vitamins. You might hit up the gym but you also might remain on the sofa all day in an effort to resemble your duvet. You probably are not going to start your ascent of Mount Everest or start learning Mandarin. What I am getting at here is that you do the things that allow you space to get over the hangover.

I’m positing that January is the hangover of December. So be kind to yourself and do the things that give you space to get over it! To heal. Move gently into your resolutions and moreover, set goals that aren’t just you doing your best to ‘repent’ from your indulgence over the Holiday Season.

Shame as a motivator is so last year, babe.

Ask yourself, “What does it look like and feel like for me to set my goals as if I was already enough? What goals would I set if I already accepted myself as I was? How would I set them?”

I think a lot of this comes from how we use language in our goal-setting. How about we change “Get ripped abs” to “fall in love with working out!” or “run a marathon” (when we’ve never run a day in our lives!) becomes “enjoy running”? Make it less about the achievements and more about the feelings! Or if you are into achieving things (it does feel nice to tick things off a list, after all) set yourself some real challenges that come as the result of maintainable habits or actions throughout the year.

Maybe, “No phone before 9 am, EVER!” becomes “No phone before 9 am on the weekdays.” or “Quick doom scrolling forever” becomes, “try a 20-day social media detox”. “Write my novel” becomes “Write 5 pages a week”. Make it about baby steps towards the overall goal and you never know - you just might achieve the big goals without really realising it!

I think you get the picture!

I want to reiterate; there really is nothing wrong with setting big goals! Honestly, I have some pretty sizeable ones myself and am aiming to complete 23 hard things in 2023 (some harder than others!), but I am not setting them because I think I will feel worthier once I have achieved them.

I am setting them from a place of joy and genuine curiosity about whether I can do them or not. The other thing; I am doing my best to practice is non-attachment to whether they get achieved or not. Non-attachment is also a useful practice, after all.

Are you going to join me for 23 hard things in 2023? Or perhaps you set a Feeling Theme for 2023; mine is that I want to feel truly at home in myself this year, Simple as that.

Get your journal, do some scribbling, and write some ideas if you like, but before you do…

Take a slow breath in and once more soak in that compassion. It’s all around you. Swirling through every fibre of every muscle. Every space in every joint. It’s palpable.

And you deserve it simply by existing. There is nothing you need to do to earn compassion or self-acceptance.

Not. One. Thing.

Remember that.

Now at the top of your page write this question - What does it look like and feel like for me to set my goals as if I was already enough? What goals would I set if I already accepted myself as I was?